Updated on November 2, 2017
You can leave the lights on because at the end of this, WE WIN!! Follow me to the top–the survivors summit. An ale zanmi’m (let’s go friend).
My English professor taught me that fun facts were a great way to start. So here’s a fun fact: I ONLY eat the skin off of chicken! I don’t eat the meat and heaven forbid that I would even contemplate eating it on a bone ??. EWW!! Why not you ask? Because when I was sixteen talking back to my mother, my father shoved a RAW leg quarter down my throat. My first thought was Salmonella! I ran and washed my mouth with everything in the bathroom except the toilet bowl cleaner! Gross right!! I just want to vomit thinking about it. But FYI, if you’re a?, single male reading this, I like ALL my meat overcooked/burnt jic you ever wanted to cook for an emotionally damaged woman like me lol.
My mom–although not as harshly or frequently–used to abuse me too. Although with her, it was different. I didn’t feel like she wanted to kill me. I still felt her love afterwards. She told me that she loved me and that she was just trying to correct my wrong ways. Then she would hug me. I have to make mention of this because I don’t want anyone to think that I have a personal vendetta against my father, cause that’s really not the case–it’s about the abuse. Actually, lets go there because I want to publicly shut down all the “haters of the truth–my truth in particularly”. I’ve been “physically” abused by my parents for 14 loonnggg years! To some, that may seem like nothing, but if you experienced both sides of the belt, switches, high heel shoes, stoves, extension cords, phone cords, hangers, and other objects that parents have no business using on their children; then you’ll understand why those 14 years were so daunting!
Out of those 14 years of abuse, I HAVE NEVER CALLED THE POLICE ON MY PARENTS. So there’s your pudding–and BOOM here’s the PROOF. If I was out for revenge or to ruin my father, I’d have him arrested for the heinous acts committed on a minor or I’d tactfully take him down in other ways. I wouldn’t wait 15 years later to try to take him down with a blog post. I’ve shown you what I’m capable of so credit me a little more than that PLEASE. So for the last time, THIS IS SOLELY ABOUT THE ABUSE!
With that said, there was one time that a speaker came to my elementary school to speak about abuse. I did go up to him and ask him a few questions in third person, which prompted them to question some of my siblings. Too bad, I had already prepared them for any such meeting a long time ago. No, we are not abused–none of us and that’s ALL we’re saying. If you’d like to talk more, we need our parents with us. Then we shut up and shut down. Even that young, I wasn’t squealing, no matter how bad I wanted to. I wore heavy jackets and long sleeve clothes in the spring just to cover up the abuse instead. At times, I was even ill–yet still–no clinic visits because I didn’t want welts and bruises to be exposed. And I would do it again because my siblings needed their father. I’m not saying it was the right decision–it’s just what I chose to do for the sake of my family. C’mon, lets move forward.
So how did the abuse FINALLY COME TO AN END? This is very messy & extremely sensitive so I will address this briefly. Another sibling implicated my mother for child abuse. DCF was highly involved & my father didn’t want to risk going to jail so–the abuse stopped almost IMMEDIATELY!!! ??? PRAISE JEHOVAH WHO REIGNS IN ALL POWER & MIGHT, MY PRAYERS WERE FINALLY ANSWERED!!! God knows I never wanted either of my parents to be removed from the home. There was 9 children in that home who needed both parents. (This may be a little too real but I’m going to say it CAUSE IT’S MY TRUTH. It really should have been my father, instead of my mother, because he was responsible for MOST of the abuse that took place in that home.)
I didn’t want to see my mother go because she truly was a loving angel to all of us; although she had a tough time showing it to one of my sisters. I’m publicly saying sorry sis that you had to experience that–going through foster care & being separated from all of us for so long. Sadly & happily, her and I were the only two who experienced severe abuse. But hey–only God knows why it all happened like it did. Let’s lighten up the mood, because I saw those two little girls again while I was reliving those moments, and tears started coming.
Many are interested to know how has this abuse affected the dynamic of me and my father’s relationship. Frankly, we don’t have much of one. And it’s not only because of the abuse. It’s also because of certain actions & behaviors he demonstrated immediately following my mother’s death. As it relates to the abuse, yes, he apologized–although he still doesn’t identify it as abuse and he still blames me for it. ?♀️?♀️ So was it sincere? To me–NO! But my life doesn’t stop just because he doesn’t regret what he did to me. It just serves as a constant reminder of how I DO NOT WANT TO BEAT MY KIDS LIKE HE BEAT ME.
But to sum it up: We avoid each other as much as possible. For example, it’s been MANY months we haven’t seen each other but we live in the same city. Last we spoke on the phone even–was February. He got married to a…clears throat…let’s try that again. He got married to some woman 11 months after my mother passed away. Hmm. He and my mother were married for 30 years so that really, really hurt us–badly!! Let’s just say I didn’t go to the wedding so he said he won’t be attending mine he threatened–whenever that is ?. But I’m okay with that! I want my male bff to walk me down the aisle. He’s actually been there for me the last 10yrs+.
So…how does this affect my relationship with men? Let me just say this: I WILL BEEP A MAN UP IF HE EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME. Straight Up (in my Jamaican accent). I don’t play that! I had to punch one of my ex’s dead in the eye for putting hands on me. I wanted to leave him. He wanted me to stay. He hit me and started slamming me against my red truck. I was terrified. I saw red & I REFUSED TO BE SOMEONE ELSE’S VICTIM! I struck him so hard in his left eye that I caused both eyelids to swell up looking like a bumble bee stung him. I put that nice black ring around it as a reminder too. Jumped in my truck and never saw him again!
I don’t condone violence but I vowed to NEVER LET A MAN PUT HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN AND GET AWAY WITH IT–including my father. I’ve been beat up ENOUGH! So now that you know that I’ll never be anyone’s punching bag; lets chat emotional damage. I can answer for myself ofc but I asked my ex who I dated for over 3 years to answer. “You’re extremely aggressive and defensive because you feel that every man is here to attack and hurt you like your father did. Don’t get me started on your lack of submission and respect to authoritative figures, including myself. I have to fervently remind you who’s the man. Who’s in charge. Who’s the boss. Who’s crowned King ?. All those titles are ME–not you. I get that you’re afraid that your man will abuse his power, like other important men in your life have. But I’ve told you repeatedly, I won’t do that to you. I love you. I simply want to show you the love, passion, and security you deserve. But you’re so traumatized from the helplessness of your past that you won’t let a real man in.” he wrote to me because I didn’t want to miss a word!
And he’s right. He knows me VERY WELL. All of me! I used to date a couple passive men to get my way. Just care about them & sex them good. Get them sprung and I was the King AND Queen.? But that wasn’t a healthy relationship. He had to teach me not to lash out when I got angry. What’s are those infamous words again ??…SELF-CONTROL. From a young age, it was demonstrated to me that violence, pain, verbal/emotional/physical abuse, condescension, & anger was the answer. So yeah that’s how I dealt with things. I would get so livid and punch holes in walls all the way up to the age of…lol. When my parents hurt me, I would have my siblings hold up the back of skillet & frying pans. I would punch them till either my knuckles ruptured or the anger to hit back left me. My knuckles have so many scars. I broke glass, flipped tvs over without thinking twice. I done more but that’s none of y’all damn business lol. I resorted to the way my father dealt with his upset. He didn’t break stuff, but I was still just like him. A monster. A savage. A beast. See, I can admit that I was a mean person!
But having amazing people like my mother, my previous ex and previous previous ex lol, my bestfriends, close friends, and two or three siblings who loved the broken Ketsia enough to help her be restored got me to this point. But the most influential person to date is Jesus Christ. His light penetrated my dark soul. He placed the aforementioned people in my life. He told me to trust Him & I did. He broke the generational curse over my life & set me free. I’m a stronger, better woman now. I walk in love. I have better self-control. I’m led by generosity–sometimes to a fault.
I still have some guards up, but my anger issues have depreciated greatly! I’ve learned how to address issues THE RIGHT WAY. FINALLY!! It’s been years since my last incredible hulk episodes lol. I had to switch to positive vibes real quick! My male bff says I had such a deprived childhood, so I made it my mission to make up for it ???. Please believe I’ve been living my life to the FULLEST! Sometimes too full that I’ve put myself in a couple ruts. But I managed. We’ll explore those choices soon.
So, how to identify child abuse. Look at the clothing kids wear. Are they appropriate for the season? Actually, PLEASE click on this link and it will guide you way better than I can! Get Educated! https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/identifying/ Be BOLD. Be BRAVE. Be STRONG! If you, or anyone you know are suffering from child abuse PLEASE DON’T HESITATE TO CALL 1-800-4-A-CHILD or 1-800-422-4453. We care & we’re here to help!
As usual, thank you for sharing in my journey survivor! I ❤ you for reading. To all my survivors out there: KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment below. Please keep #MeToo trending by including it in your comments or responses!
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.