Posted on October 4, 2017
Well, for one, I won’t be calling you “Reader” anymore. We’re a little more than that now. We’ve been on this journey together for about two weeks so I guess we’re “talking” or if you want me to say it more fancifully–“Nap Koze” lol. Besides, I wouldn’t feel comfortable just sharing this chapter to a stranger. Its too deep. This experience involves extended family, so it’s also sensitive. I will handle this with much delicacy as to protect those close to me. With that said, put on your backpack travelmate, because it’s time to get back on the road.
So enveryone goes to their aunt & uncles’ house to visit, right? You go over to see them and to play with your cousins. Your parents might need them to watch you & your siblings a few days during the week since schools out. Or maybe, you wanted to spend the night because you wanted to do something–anything besides staying home. Well, that’s why I was over there. I wanted to sleep at my aunt’s house because she was fun. She bought me things. She had a nice job making decent money. A little girl could use some spoiling from time to time. And she gave me just that.
It was a Saturday late morning, and my aunt had to run a few errands, so she left me home with my uncle. (Don’t ask where everyone else was because I don’t recall. My memory is scant. I do; however, know that this took place after the sexual assault by the twins. And besides, I was like 7 and I had buried this for a longtime).
Back to this late Saturday morning. So it’s just us and he calls me into the open den area connected to the house. He puts on some music and makes me start dancing with him. But this dance is pretty close right now. There’s no space between us. I felt something hard pressing on me from down there. Is it weird to say that I knew he liked me? He always flirted with me, especially when my aunt wasn’t nearby. That’s why I hated being around him alone. So we’re dancing and he’s kissing on my neck. That’s when I confirmed in my gut that things weren’t right. He starts licking and sucking on my ear. I was cringing and I pulled away and asked him why he was doing that. He told me it was because I was pretty and he loved me. “You’re so smart and you’re my favorite one.” he told me as he tightly guided my hand down his nasty chest.
He picked me up and sat me right in his lap. That’s when he started touching me. Caressing my thighs so passionately. It was obvious that touching little girls did something to him. It did more than just turn him on. It’s like he was possessed or something. He was on a high. Till this day, I never understood why he needed to prey on little girls. His wife had a phat azzz, large succulent breast and they had a VERY ACTIVE SEX LIFE. I know cause I walked in on them a few times. But maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe he had an insatiable appetite. I guess that’s why he kept going. Touching my sweet little face, stroking my back, and touching my flat chest. Now he’s back to nibbling on my ear. This time he stuck his nasty wet tongue in my right ear. This visceral reaction is indescribable! Ewwwww!
I felt my stomach turning. This wasn’t right, but I was too scared to speak up, so I went with it. He picked me up facing him. I’m still fully clothed and he’s wearing no shirt. It wasn’t until he started touching my jewel and grinding it vigorously against his manhood, (dry humping or hunching I guess) that i thought ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! “Put me down NOW” I screamed!! This isn’t right! If you don’t stop, I will tell my dad on you. “Why baby” he uttered. “Because I don’t think you should be touching me like this” I responded, “I don’t like this”. “I’m going to call my dad right now”. He put me down and then he sat down again, starring at me, trying to feel me out. This was the first time he’s ever went this far with me and this was the first time I was speaking up against it.
God stepped in at the right time, because He sent my aunt back home! So my uncle had no choice but to stop. Even then, I knew I made a lasting impression because he was convinced that I would go tell my father and he didn’t want those kind of problems! Pedophiles and molesters are sick but never want to be exposed! I know some of you may be dubious of God’s divine intervention. If God was there, why would he even allow this to happen? Is that what you’re thinking? I know. I questioned God about that for a long time too. Why me? I was so young. But the bible tells us that not all evil comes from God. And even when evil is present, God is always there to strengthen us. He promises us that we will overcome. That we will triumph and conquer. That’s why I’m able to write to you now. My strength and boldness is not of myself–I wouldn’t be able to do this alone. Heck NO! But because I have overcome this hurt and evil, I am able to share my truths in hopes of offering encouragement and support to others facing these situations.
How has this effected my childhood? I wanted to be desired by all men growing up. If a man didn’t find me attractive or want me, I was offended. I would be on a mission to change his mind. I was so used to getting all that attention since I was younger, that I felt like I always had to have it or something was wrong with me. Trust me, as I aged, and your girl’s body started developing, I didn’t have to work too hard because it started coming so naturally. I think I started getting concerned when married men & men from all positions in ministry where willing to jeopardize it all just to sleep with me. That’s when I started thinking that I had a curse on me or something. But we’ll explore this “black girl magic” in the future.
This is a good place to stop for today, but let me share this last thing. Honestly, I wish I would have actually told my father because two other little girls that are close to me turned out to be victims too. PARENTS, SIBLINGS, FAMILY MEMBERS: PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TODAY TO TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE & MOLESTATION. Show them where no one is supposed to touch them. Educate them on physical gestures of affection that are inappropriate like tight hugs pressing private areas together, kissing, licking, sucking, etc. My mother had these talks with me, but I’m sure in some other instances, this can be prevented. If you even need support, I’m here for you and most importantly, God is here for you! Please click on my previous blog for my information on outside support too! http://yesherestherj.com/her-truth-to-tell-part-1/
I ❤ you so much for reading. To all my survivors out there, KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment ❤.
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.
Updated on October 3, 2017
The count down to my mom’s surprise birthday party is here! I am excited, overwhelmed, and very preoccupied with my seemingly never ending to do list. In reviewing my list I found myself constantly visiting a few websites multiple times last week. Read More
Updated on October 1, 2017
Do you remember the scene in movies where the little girl is running further in the woods with the black and white filter? She’s running and they show a shot of her looking back at the camera traumatized. That’s exactly how I feel right now! I guess I’ve been running from these painful memories for so long that, in my eyes, I’m still that little girl. My heart is racing as I write this because I feel a lot of emotions right now. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel mad. I feel a lot of things as I re-live the terrible things that happened this innocent little girl. But deep breath. I close my eyes and remind myself that its over. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hurt a little, but I survived it and now, I have permission to share it with you.
So, like I mentioned before, I was a tomboy. I remember being 6 or 7, playing with these twin boys that were my neighbors. They were years my senior, but I don’t recall exactly by how many years. Anyhow, everything about the day was normal. Well, it started that way at least. We were playing “tag, touch the shed, you’re it” kinda stuff. You know those “creative games” when you ain’t have money for toys lol. Except this time they said I was it so I had to go in the old white shed. “Why?” I asked. “Because you do” they said. Then they started calling me chicken ?, making those clucking noises so I peeked in. All I remember seeing is a dirty old mattress.
I looked back and said “Uh-uh, I’m not going in there!”. But the boys shoved me in there and started pulling at my clothes. I was kicking & screaming, so one of them put his hand over my mouth and told his evil twin that they had to keep me quiet. (Thinking to myself in retrospect: Why the hell didn’t I bite his freaking finger off)! One of them pulled his pants down and started groping me with his private exposed while the other one was trying to tear my bottoms off. At this point, I’m crying, still fighting, but losing momentum. It’s two of them against uno of me. This one is touching “her”, that one is covering my mouth and I’m just trying to escape.
Things that were running through my mind at the moment: Why didn’t they just beat me up? Why couldn’t this at least be one-on-one. I would have a better chance fighting back. Why don’t I just lay here and let them do whatever they want to me? Nobody cares for me? Nobody’s looking for me? As I laid there feeling despaired, my thoughts were proven to be wrong. I know they say Jesus is the sweetest name; but when I heard a male voice calling my name from outside that shed, nothing could sound more sweet! “I’m over here. Help me! PLEASE!!!!!!” I was tired, but at that moment, I regained strength cause I started swinging and kicking harder than before. I heard my name again, but this time closer to the shed. Then the rusted shed door squeaked opened and I saw light again!!! It was my brother ???!!! (For the sake of anonymity, I will refrain from saying which one). He threw them off of me and grabbed me. He was in shock and I was in shock. But I felt so happy and lucky to have someone care so much for me. I went many, many years forward, without feeling cared for like that.
Let’s rest here for a second. You’re probably wondering: What happened? Did he do it? Did they do it? Was she raped? Gang raped? First train at 7 years old? That’s probably why she’s such a freak now. How far exactly did they go?? Truth is, I really don’t know! Things were happening so quickly. It was two of them. I was fighting. I know I felt his peewee touch my flower but that’s really it. That’s all I can remember. Then again, I was so naive. I lost my virginity senior year and didn’t even know I lost it! Another post for another time. (Maybe.) Let’s continue.
I don’t know how long I was in there for but TO ME, IT FELT LIKE HOURS. I don’t recall what I was wearing that day but I remember my brother fixing my stretched and torn clothes. Then he dusted all the dirt off of me. He brought me inside our neighbor’s house then he went back outside angrily. God knows my heart, I don’t know what he did after that. I don’t know what happened after that. I feel like I blacked out or spaced out. I REALLY DON’T KNOW!! I was exhausted and woke up sore the next day. I never went over there again! My mom would ask me if I wanted to walk over with her and my answer was always NO! I never told my parents. Not because I don’t think they wouldn’t believe me, but because I didn’t want to make them sad. I wanted to be tough. This decision definitely started a revolution against my submission to men, including my father.
I never really talked about this with my brother after it happened either. I felt ashamed. I felt weak and I felt like this was somehow my fault too. Maybe, I made myself a target or victim? But for the sake of my readers, I will have this conversation with my brother and do a follow up post. This conversation is long over due. Who knows, I might talk to the “twins” too. I’m sure I can find them on Facebook cause an apology is owed and I’m ready to collect ✋. I’m just saying.
But fast forward many many years later, I see one of the twins at my mother’s funeral last year. Jesus Christ of Nazareth, son of Mary & Joseph! Many unresolved feelings resurfaced. I wanted to put him in one of those Army choke holds & squeeze TIGHT! My emotions were running so high because my mother is dead and we just buried her and this beep beep beep of a beep beepty beep from a freaking beep of a beep had the audacity to come into MY PERSONAL SPACE and offer his condolences. Is this some kind of joke? I had to gather myself and I had to do it quickly! But that’s when I asked God to help me because I was not going to allow something that happened over 20 years ago to bring hatred back into my heart. I survived this. I’ve grown since then. Now it’s time to show that.
The old me would have struck him and called him a rapist! But my mother’s repass wasn’t the place and I wasn’t that person anymore. I accepted his condolences & walked away. In that order! I can’t lie, the fact that he was ugly, made me feel better too ??. (Sorry I was having a moment. All of God’s children are beautiful ??.)
But on the real though, sexual assault is SERIOUS. Attempted-Rape & Rape DO NOT just violate the victim at that moment. It violates their trust in others for a long time. I’ve spoken to other victims and I couldn’t begin to tell you how much damage is done. It hurts our self-worth. And how we view our importance. God healed me from those wounds (Psalm 34:18). He restored me and made me whole, but trust that it took many years to overcome this. A lot of So parents, siblings, friends: please be conscientious of where your children and young family members are. Although this will not completely prevent occurrences like this from happening, it will however decrease them. If you or a loved one are suffering from sexual assault I’m here for you. Please contact me via the comments section below or my Facebook page “Her Truths To Tell”. Also, you may call the National Sexual Assault Hotline @ 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit their website at www.RAINN.ORG for 24 hour assistance. You can also chat online with them! I ❤ you so much for reading. To all my survivors out there, KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment ❤.
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.
Updated on October 19, 2017
Today we have the pleasure of reading a post written by a guest blogger by the name of Ketsia. She is currently going to be guest blogging for this upcoming month on Sundays and Wednesdays. She will be sharing an introduction to part of her amazing story. I hope you all will enjoy. Check out her story below: Read More
Posted on September 26, 2017
Lately there seems to be an event or activity to go to every weekend. So I came with an idea. For every weekend event I attend, I will do my best to share with you the experience in a weekend recap.
Posted on September 21, 2017
If you’ve read some of my previous blogs, you already know I love vacations! Now that summer is over, I am already beginning to plan out my trips for next year.
If you plan on taking a vacation or two in the future, here are my tips for a planning a successful trip:
Updated on September 14, 2017
Summer (my favorite season) is almost over and fall is right around the corner. I know you have walked into some stores to see Halloween, Thanksgiving, and yes even some Christmas decor items already up for sale. For some people this is quite an exciting time, but for others this can bring about a classic case of anxiety. (Cue in the suspense music.) If the mere thought of the holiday season overwhelms you, then you could be on your way to experiencing the holiday blues 🙁
Here are 6 tips to conquer your pre-holiday blues:
Posted on September 7, 2017
If you read my last blog post or if you have been keeping up with me via social media, you know I have been celebrating my birthday with my close family and friends. (Birthday vlog coming soon y’all 🙂 ) While living in the moment, I was not able to keep up with my normal posting schedule this past Tuesday.
I really enjoy blogging and my goal is to be as consistent as possible. As I was talking to my coworker about this issue, I came to the conclusion that I will not to beat myself up about it. Instead I will use this as an opportunity for growth by encouraging and motivating you to keep moving forward as I remind myself to do the same.