Updated on December 12, 2017
Isn’t it quite interesting how experiences can shape your life in the future? Although I know we cannot rewind the hands of time, I do wish I knew a few things that I know now, back when I was younger. Especially since in my opinion most Haitian parents, well at least mine were mostly concerned about providing a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. There are very few Haitian parents I’ve met that are concerned with the emotional aspect of their children. Therefore, if I could write to my younger teenaged self, I would tell her this:
Updated on December 5, 2017
Although Thanksgiving just passed, with Christmas just around the corner, there maybe holiday parties galore heading your way. I would say food is one of the main focal points during these two holidays so naturally this is when most people tend to overeat. I can attest to that statement. However, this year I decided to be a little more mindful of my eating and managed not to gain weight from Thanksgiving dinner. I am crossing my fingers that I can do even better during Christmas. That being said here are a few of my tips for eating healthy this holiday season:
Updated on November 30, 2017
Tomorrow is December and before you even know it Christmas will be here. I have already been asked about what I would like for Christmas from my family and friends. So of course I thought to create wishlist for this occasion.
Updated on December 5, 2017
This year’s Thanksgiving holiday weekend was definitely like none other. I went from cooking for Thanksgiving, to cooking for my uncle’s repast (his funeral was that Saturday) to preparing my lunch for this week. Even though I was off for four days in a row, I feel like it still was not enough time to accomplish everything I wanted to lol. But I am sure most of us will always feel like there is never enough time no matter how many days we have off.
Posted on November 17, 2017
I know what you are thinking. The title of this blog post is quite interesting. A birthday milkshake toast? Yes indeed lol 🙂 Isn’t that different? Well during brunch I jokingly asked if we could have have a milkshake toast. Kashia was like, “Why not?” So we did and I thought this was a cool enough name to title this video blog post.
Enough of that now on to our post of the day.
Posted on November 14, 2017
A couple weeks ago I wrote a blog post about how I plan to get back on track with my fitness goals. (If you missed this blog post you can check it out here.) This is very important to me because the holiday season is when I tend to fall all the way off the wagon. With a plan in place I will be more likely to stay focused and think twice about what I eat. My goal is to build more discipline by sticking to healthy eating habits.
I just completed my 7 day fruit and vegetable challenge yesterday. So today I am checking in with an update.
Updated on November 12, 2017
Dear My Cherished Companion,
Let’s just pick up where we left off on the phone…”HELLO?! So what did she say? Out with it already” I said with little patience! “My parents decided to move me permanently to South Carolina.” he managed to get out. “WAIT…ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?” I asked with tears in my eyes. “Yes, I am baby. I’m so sorry! I don’t know how this happened.” he said with much regret. My heart dropped so far down, my ankles were heavy. I felt hollow. I started hyperventilating. OMG I was having a panic attack in the middle of the damn airport. My bff was trying to calm me down but I wasn’t hearing her. I honestly felt like I was dying!
“But why” I repeated over and over on the phone. “Why SOS? WHY?” “My parents say that I’m not ready to be a man yet. They think I’m too weak & I don’t have a backbone. My dad wants me to man up. He says I’m your YES man. But isn’t a man supposed to find the woman he loves, make her happy & take care of her? Marry her? That’s what I’m trying to do! But they feel like I’m too in love with you and that I’m not quite ready for that kind of commitment.” he said as he finally took one deep breath. “But honey, who gives a BEEP about how they feel?? What about how we feel? You make me the happiest woman alive. Isn’t that all that matters?” I asked as my emotions shifted from sadness to anger.
“It is!! I just don’t know why they can’t let us be happy baby girl. I just don’t know why” he said as he became overwhelmed with emotions. (I didn’t want to admit this, but it was at this point that I thought that maybe–just maybe–his parents could be right. Because the kind of man that I needed him to be was the kind who would stand up to this obstruction of love–not stand down. Maybe he was too weak.) He was 19 or 20 yrs old at the time. He could have put his foot down and caught the bus or flew back down to Florida, but he never did that. He didn’t fight for US. Instead, he just stayed.
Have you ever had something so beautiful, so rare, so tangible capture your heart for two years, then have it RIPPED OUT with just one call? Well that’s exactly what I was feeling as I received news coming from the other side of the receiver. We were weeping together. But guess what? I had a plane to catch, and as much as I wanted to, my bff wouldn’t let me wallow. So she slapped me & told me to pull myself together! I was blowed that she slapped me like right in my pretty face but she was right! I sucked it up and got my azzzzz on that plane. I had to mentally prepare myself for training and that’s where my focus needed to be.
I felt ineffable pain that still haunts me till this day re-living it. I guess while I was in basic military training, he was in “how-to-be-a-man” training. And although he was only a couple hours away from my post, we lost contact. His father basically put him on lock down and tried to purge him of me, of our true love. Who knows? Maybe his father might have even threw some new “good-good” his way just to make him forget about me. (And even if he had tried, none could compare to mine, so I was the least worried.) Alright, alright, you may think that’s a little farfetched but consider the way they just manipulated us and tore us apart. Who knows what else they were capable of doing?
He couldn’t come see me. He couldn’t take my calls, nor write me back. Luckily, he happened to check the mail first one day where he was able to receive that little ARMY Bible I sent him that you seen in the last blog post ❤. I wanted to hear his voice so bad that sometimes I even took a chance and used my one phone call on him. I NEEDED TO HEAR FROM HIM. HE WAS THE ONLY FAMILY I HAD LEFT. I couldn’t call my immediate family because they were mad at me for leaving to go visit my SOS’s family for a week. I assume that that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
I left VMs for my boo. His dad deleted them and ripped up the love letters I mailed. Frustration had the better part of me. At night, I couldn’t slumber. I just stayed awake asking myself what the hell did I ever do to his parents except love their son? Why did they hate me so bad? They felt like I was too good to be true & that I was a hindrance to his manhood.
They told him I was too beautiful and that I probably had other guys. That I was so damn smart–going places & doing things with my life. “We can see what she’s doing. How she’s setting herself up for a decent future. But what about you? What are you doing with yourself son?” I remember them asking my SOS in a private conversation that I was overhearing. Yes, as I admitted before: He was out of my league. But the love between us was REAL. But who cares? Him, his parents, none of that was my problem anymore because I dumped him AGAIN! Like Toni Braxton said, “He wasn’t man enough for me”.
Listen, if I fed you all this fluff and didn’t admit that there were problems within this fairy tale–I’d be worst than a liar. Yes, my SOS had some serious manning up to do but I had flaws too! I just didn’t go around parading them. I cared too much about my image and how others perceived me. I had great underlying problems that I’ve shared with you before. I had anger issues. I was manipulative. I was an entitled brat. I was verbally abusive and demeaning. I was an extremist & I lived life on the edge. But probably, one of my worst traits was that I was very vindictive and revengeful.
I recall an incident were he didn’t do what I wanted, so I got back at him. I let this FINE light-skinned dude (who also cared about me deeply) drive his car. Everybody knows you don’t let another man drive your current man’s car. Well, I did! And I let him think I cheated on him with that Michael Ealy looking n*****h lol just to hurt him. Yes, I was spiteful but I never really cheated on him. You hear that SOS? As a matter-of-fact, I cheated on my next BF (who was also fine) once–when SOS was in town visiting from South Carolina. And before you start thinking I was a little ho’, me and my second bf weren’t having sex–nor did we ever. So I jumped my SOS bones, the moment he came to town ?.
Actually, I want to take a second to address something that’s been eating me up on the inside. I’ve been walking, more like pacing, back and forth trying to decide if & how I should do this…I want to be completely honest so I have to do this. SOS: I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. But there is one more thing I have to be honest about. I was never pregnant with our baby. I lied when I told you I had an abortion. I was trying to hurt you back & I’m extremely sorry because I know this tormented you for years! You’re right, I was a mean person, who has now changed. Truth is: I’ve never had an abortion PERIOD. I don’t believe in abortions. I’ve NEVER even been pregnant before ??.
(To all the haters out there–because I know not everyone who reads my blog is truly for me–YES, I LOVE SEXUAL INTIMACY & yes, I’ve had lots of sex in the past. I’ve been in 2, 3, & even 4 year monogamous relationships, what’d you expect? I’ve even been celibate twice with each time lasting 2 years [we’ll talk about this is the future]. NO, I’ve never been pregnant before! It’s called the ‘withdraw method’ & prayers for lots of grace & mercy for an undeserving woman like me!! Thank you God for covering me even when I failed you. Just wanted to clear this up!) But PLEASE DON’T HATE ME SOS! I seek your forgiveness PLEASE!
I shared my truth. I had a lot of growing up to do. But so did my SOS. I won’t go into details about him because this journey is MINE–NOT HIS….See, our relationship wasn’t perfect. But we were imperfectly perfect for each other because we accepted each other’s flaws & all. We made each other better! We had a good thing going that could have blossomed into something eternal, something forever. But unfortunately, time and distance weren’t on our side so what WE had dried up like a raisin.
Four years later, I reached back out to SOS. I realized that I missed him immensely. No one could fill the void in my heart that he left behind. And although he was STILL living in South Carolina, I was willing to make it work–maybe even move up there–to be with him. But he didn’t want to take me back because of all the hurt I caused. He really thought that I had cheated, had an abortion and didn’t want to give US one last chance. What was he thinking? I mean seriously? Who turns me down? NOBODY!! Maybe I just missed having a guy worship the very ground that I walked on like he did. But please believe that he regrets that decision everyday.
So fast forward untill now, the infinity we have for each other will always remain but will never be acted on. That time has long passed. He’s married with children and even if they were to ever separate–that’s baggage that I wouldn’t even consider. (Sorry, it’s the truth.) Is he happy? Is he happily married? I plead the fifth on that! Once again, that’s really not my truth to tell, but I’m sure you’re smart enough to read between the lines.
But how does the downfall of this relationship affect me now? Many, many years, I tried to compare the love we shared to my future relationships. Ohh, this can’t be right because I don’t feel the butterflies or I don’t feel the same chills when new dude touches me. I felt like anything less was settling and I was never one to settle. He’s probably the reason why I’m 29+1, never been married, no kids. Because I’m waiting on someone better than him to come sweep me off my feet. I’ve been in love a time or two since SOS, but none have been as deep and sensational as the ❤ he and I once shared. That’s my truth. There I said it ?.
I want to leave you with something me and my SOS used to always say ALL DAY EVERYDAY. I Love You. I Love You. With All My Heart AND All My Soul. ALWAYS & FOREVER…Merci encore mon coeur for sharing in my love journey! I pray that you find the love of your life & hold on to it!! I ❤ you for reading. To all my survivors out there: KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment below of your first love experience.
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.
Posted on November 8, 2017
Dear My Travel Lover,
Let’s take a second to acknowledge my fine, youngest brother who’s celebrating his birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! (DM me for his stats lol) and guess who still holds the mini Bible I sent in 2005 dear to his ❤. Okay, so I’m standing outside of the movies with the man of my dreams and the man of my nightmares lol…What do you think I said?? “Respectfully, I’m not coming right now dad. We’ve already bought tickets. I will come home immediately following the movie” I said calmly and boldly. And I meant it. “If you don’t get in now, then you can move the hell out my house.” my father said, as if to give one last warning or chance to comply.
But that’s when SOS jumped in (before I could respond) and said “I’m sorry about this sir. I really do apologize.” “I’m not talking to you boy–I’m talking to my daughter” my old man said as he dismissed him lol. Then my SOS turned & looked to me and said, “Baby, it’s okay. Just go. Listen to your father. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” “Fine! I’ll pick up my things in the morning” I said dismissing my SOS’s voice of reason. Instead, I grabbed my boo’s hand and made way back into the movies. I didn’t bother looking back but I heard the van tires screech as my father drove off…I immediately turned off my cell because I knew as soon as word got to my mom, she would be blowing me up!
On the outside, I was Ford tough. But on the inside I was a little scared. I kept watching the door because I thought my dad would bust in there and drag me out by my hair or something. “But I had to do this,” I told my lover. “I did all the right things. I got good grades, I worked after school, I volunteered at the hospital, I went to church, etc. Crucify me because I just wanted to go out and have some fun too! Sheesh.” Well, needless to say, we were too frightened to watch the movie so we got the hell up out of there and went to were SOS was staying. Now, instead of just one straggler–his friend had two.
We actually didn’t make love that night. He said something so profound & righteous to me as we were making our bed on the living room floor. He told me that he loved me with his whole heart and he didn’t want God to take me away from him. And since God hates sin, if we continue fornicating, then that sin could lead to the demise of our relationship. And because we both didn’t want that, we decided to practice celibacy for a while. (Told you he was an honorable guy with great conviction ?.) Instead, he just held me all night long as we talked about everything and nothing. We prayed and fell asleep cuddling.
Now please don’t mistake this vow of purity and celibacy for thinking that we hardly made love before this unanimous decision because that’s untrue. Once we got past the first two times–uhh yeah, we got it in wherever we could. Certainly not as often as we’d like but parks, beaches, theme parks–anything outdoors and spontaneous–even sneaking into the men’s bathroom ??.
Our sessions were so passionate. Our souls would connect as we gazed into each other’s eyes. We would lock hands and squeeze so tight as to never let go of that moment. Our toes would even be intertwined as we fondled one another and breathed heavily in each other’s face. I never had a man pay so much attention to every inch & curve of my body. He would touch my scars & kiss them. He wasn’t the best I’ve ever had as far as technicalities or size, but hands down my favorite lover. The passion we shared couldn’t be easily duplicated. We were so, soooo in love. Wow, what an amorous feeling!! I really hope you’ve gotten the opportunity to experience that intense and deep dimension of lovemaking because EVERYONE in ardent love should be able to relate! Anyways, I know I just painted a beautiful picture but SNAP OUT OF IT!! Let’s get back to the story.
Waking up to him was EVERYTHING ??! He made me some scrambled eggs and we spent the entire day in each other’s presence. It was the best day I had had in a while. God, I was so in love! When late nightfall was upon us, I had another good friend of mine, help me get my things. I didn’t want SOS to be anywhere near the situation just in case I was confronted by my father because he had nothing to do with this–THIS WAS BETWEEN ME & MY OLD MAN. And besides, I had already begged my sisters to put all my clothes in yard waste trash bags, so I was all set. “Is dad home?” I called and asked. “No.” little sis responded. “Is Ma home?” “Nope.” she confirmed. “PERFECT! Let’s make this quick,” I said to my friend. We grabbed my bags, loaded them and just like that, I WAS OUT✌✌!
I can’t quite remember if it was record day or whatnot, but I know there was no school that Monday. We were hanging out reading the Holy Scriptures. I’m kidding lol. We playing video games when we heard a knock on the door. We didn’t bother to answer, because it wasn’t our home so we weren’t expecting any company. Without even looking, I heard a voice that I recognized. So I ran to the door & well, well, well; if it isn’t mother dearest & the church friend that got me the hotel room. “Mom? How’d you find me?” I asked scratching my head because I was pretty certain I had covered my tracks. “Don’t worry about all of that. I don’t care about that.” she cried in Creole. “I’m not mad. I miss you. I just need you to come home with me.” she said as she was giving thanks to God for her finding me. “I can’t Ma. Dad told me that I had to move out if I stayed at the movies. He doesn’t want me there nor do I want to be there.” I said as I looked away.
Supplication after supplication, with my mom in tears, I decided to go home. I told her I would come later this evening–but she wanted me home now! So I gave in–under one condition–that I wasn’t going to sleep inside that house. Where are you going to sleep? she asked inquisitively. I dunno. Maybe outside in the van or in the garage (I was so melodramatic). Agreed! Wherever you choose, I will sleep with you. So I loaded up the car with my trash bags full of clothes & headed home. And she did in fact sleep with me in our little red Quest mini van that night (SIP my beautiful mommy?).
You’re probably curious what happened when I got home…Nothing. My dad didn’t speak to me & I didn’t speak to him. We just ignored the very existence of each other–kind of like how things are now lol. I know he was keeping the peace for the sake of my mother & so was I. Truthfully, I often wondered if he genuinely cared for me or if he was more concerned with my actions or behaviors jeopardizing his ministry. Ohh honey, don’t let me just tell it! There are many pastors who put their ministries over their families. That was how things were in our household. I know my father was ecstatic when I turned 18 (let me shout for him lol ?♂️?♂️?♂️). He was probably like well, she’s considered an adult now, so thank God, whatever she does can’t affect my ministry anymore hahaha. Thinking I made it through Lord, I made it through ?????.
Once things settled a little at home, I went out and bought SOS a wedding band. We got all dressed up and went out right by the riverfront where I lost my virginity and we embraced each other close. Believe it or not, we exchanged vows that afternoon. We were confident that God was the only witness that we needed present. We committed ourselves to one another and married our own damn selves. Our love for each other was questionless.
But his separated parents didn’t think so. They felt I brainwashed him or put voodoo on him. Honestly, that’s only because the love they shared didn’t work. Maybe they were jelly. IDK ?♀️?♀️ Their amour wasn’t as captivating as our lovestory, so they wanted to break us up for good. Neither one of us seen that coming though! His father invited me to Greenville, South Carolina to meet him and his family. I was honored. So my SOS, his siblings and I all drove up with his mother to about half way, where his father met us and took us the rest of the way.
We all had an amazing time with the family. We played outdoors, shared stories and everything! (But this invite later proved to be a freaking trap.) But my time for basic was a couple days away. I still had to fly down to Miami only to fly right back up to Columbia, South Carolina so I had to leave ahead of my beau. I kissed him passionately–can’t remember if we consummated that night–actually we did ??! Then I left!
Well, he called me like 2 days later sooooo upset! Baby, what’s wrong? What’s going on I asked. My dad left for Florida with my siblings but didn’t wake me up. What do you mean he didn’t wake you up?? He left without me. I’ve been calling him since I woke up this morning no answer. Hold on. That’s my mother calling me on the other line. So I waited for minutes on hold. I even hung up and called him right back lol. (WHAT? I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my man.) So he answered, but I can tell he was so devastated by the news his mother had given him. “What is it love?” I asked as I was freaking out at the airport! “What’s going on babe?”
On Sunday, we’ll talk about how far his parents were willing to go to break us up. And how that had affected us–well me–10 years later. Are we happy? So do we regret not getting back together? Have I ever been in love like that again? (I can’t spill his truth lol, just mine!) Ohh and that n****h, refused to take me back years later ??. We’ll discuss all of this next week. Merci encore mon ké for sharing in my love journey! I ❤ you for reading. To all my survivors out there: KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment below of your first love experience.
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.