Her Truths To Tell… Chapter 5A: Mon Premier Amour

 

Dear My Travel ❤ Companion,

We’ve talked about my being molested, sexually assaulted, abused as a child and we even spoke about my military madness right? Well, there’s one more thing–better yet–person that I want to talk about before I transition to my college era. He’s that special man, my forbidden fruit, that I dedicated one of my post to. He was the one my soul loved and 10+ yrs later, STILL loves. My first everything! So YES, I have to write about him and the life we shared together. It was beautiful, innocent, passion-infused, and tragic. But before I progress, I need to say something to my fine, single male readers out there (trust me–I have some ?) because I’m not trying to cockblock my own damn self lol! If love is REAL, it doesn’t go away. It stands the test of time. With that said, I’ve fell in true ❤ more than once. We’ve been long separated, and I AM NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH THEM. BUT, I will always have love for those special people. Comprender? Buen!

But this love right here though–was different. If he wasn’t already married with kids…Let me stop! But seriously, I want to speak about this love lost because it was pivotal in my life. TBH, I don’t even remember how we met officially. I had a laundry list of guys who wanted me. I remember his bff telling me that his friend was interested, so I told him to fall in line with the rest of them. I was hesitant because truth be told, dude was unattractive and short. Okay, maybe unattractive was a little harsh cause he wasn’t ugly–he was aaaight. So basically, I was out of his league (sorry). But he had a beautiful smile. It was his persistence and faith that garnered my attention. So I agreed to meet with him. We hit it off instantly!

I was in 11th grade–and he–12th. Going on dates in my family, in my Haitian culture, was impermissible. PERIOD! But we talked on the phone EVERYDAY. We fell asleep on the phone every night too. He sang to me, then we took turns listening to each other snore. I had to be extra careful cause my having a cell phone was unallowable too. I got caught a time or two, but I just kept buying a new burner cell cause I had my little telemarketing job at the time. But many months later, just phone conversations weren’t enough anymore. I wanted to see him. I wanted to smell him & hug him. So we found a little meet up spot underneath a shady tree in my neighborhood. We just held each other closely and gazed at the stars–no funny business. Shortly after, he started working at Wal-Mart, so our meet up time changed to like 11:15 my senior year. There’s been a time or two where I crept out the back sliding door only to find my freaking mom & dad sitting by the piano waiting for me to creep back in lolol. Didn’t go over too well, but it was worth it because I was in love!

So much in love that I planned a beautiful dinner at a Marriott right on the water. (I was born a romantic baby!) I got someone 18+ from my church to rent the room ??, and I teamed up with a co- worker from my hospital job to make this night special for our men. IDK what she had planned for her man, but I had numbered index cards spread across the courtyard with little hidden gifts and clues on where to go next until he found the best gift of the evening–me in this smoking hot dress with a split, laying upright on the bench overlooking the water. He was overtaken by my amorous efforts, but I quickly placed my finger over his lips. I didn’t let him speak a word! Instead, we shared a kiss, then I blindfolded him, placed his hand on my heart from behind–and whispered “Follow me baby”. I led him to the hotel and he was astonished before I even opened the door lol. Little did he know what awaited him. On the other side of the room door was a 3 course Italian feast (and little did I know I’d be the dessert ??), fruits, chocolate and caramel drizzle, more gifts and white and yellow rose pedals (which signified our lasting friendship and pureness of our love) that invaded a room only lit by candlelight.

The other couple met us there and we exchanged many laughs as we enjoyed the meal prepared. The four of us were full so we decided to lay down and watch a movie. (Relax! We booked a double bed room people!) He held me and told me he loved me. I could look in his eyes and see that the words his lips were speaking only affirmed what he was feeling on the inside. I felt it too…Speaking of lips: He kissed mine affectionately. Over and over, even biting my bottom lip. Whhoaaa! We’ve smooched lovingly before, but this was on another level! This session was getting intense! But hey, I was in love. I trusted him with all of me.

We were fondling each other passionately, as if the 50 candles lit weren’t making things hot enough. One thing led to another and I found him on top of me. I was accepting, because I thought we were dry humping & grinding like we’ve done a few times in the past. (Uh yes, I was a virgin.) The time we shared together felt amazing. Euphoric even! Our passion could drive this make out session for hours, but I had a work schedule to adhere to if I didn’t want to get caught on my day off so we had to bounce! As we got up to gather our things to leave, I saw a couple small spots of blood on the bed. Concerned because I thought one of us was bleeding, I brought it to his attention. “Baby! I think one of us might have a cut or something. Look at the bed” I said as I pointed. “No, my love, I think we’re fine” he whispered as he helped me gather the rest of my things. “C’mon baby, we got to get going” he said not wanting me to be late.

“Gummy bear, I love you so much. Thank you for such an unforgettable night! I can’t wait to marry you. No more curfews, no more time apart. Just us, spending the rest of our lives together basking in our love.” he said optimistically looking into my eyes. “Me too baby” I said distractedly, “me too”. “Hey sugar plum, tonight was so fiery, so impassioned. I love you. When we become one, it’ll be so magical”! “Become one?” he questioned as he stopped me in the parking lot. “Yes, honey. When we decide to become one. You know, make love.” I reiterated. “We’re already one my love. We just gave ourselves to each other” he said confused, yet slightly disappointed. “SAY WHAT?? We actually had S-E-X ???,” I asked?

I wanted to slap the mess out of him, instead, I just fell to my knees and everything once in my hand was now all over the lot. I got so weak. I thought you were supposed to ask if I was ready like they do in the movies, I thought out loud. At this very moment, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt ashamed. I blamed my lack of sexual education on my damn father. If only this dude would have let me partake in a sex ed class the schools had been offering since 5th grade then I’d know what the hell sex actually was!! I should have signed the damn slip myself lol. Ughhh, I screamed with much frustration!! Why was I so stupid and gullible? I really didn’t know what the physical act of sex was!! How could I be so dumb? I just wanted to do something romantic for our anniversary–NOT HAVE SEX!! I’m worthless now I thought, as I tried to make my way off the ground. “DON’T TOUCH ME YOU FREAKING DOGGG!!” I wailed loudly as I pushed his hand off of me!!

I cried all the way home. My mind was filled with dubious thoughts. How did we do it if we were still clothed? Now granted, I did have on a dress and I pretty much stopped wearing panties since the fifth grade. (They’re so uncomfortable and restricting. I like to be free!! ?) But still–how? I felt something a little painful but I thought he was just hunching me too aggressively. ?‍♀️ While driving, he tried to interrupt my tears & thoughts by speaking but I quickly shut him down. Don’t freaking speak another word to me you undeserving butthole. I could tell that he was hurt. Silent tears ran down his face. He honestly thought I knew what we were doing. But ohh well, I wanted him to feel like isshhh too! He dropped me off, and I ran straight into the garage for hiding. Even though we had a big rat in there somewhere, at the moment, I was too hurt to care. I hid in a corner afraid and saddened. I let my mom and my bff down. My mom is probably going to be able to tell because I might be walking with a limp now or something or my hips may have just spread a few inches. I didn’t know how the after affects of sex worked.

I know what you’re thinking. You may have thought that I was setting up a sexual ambience with the hotel room but NO I just wanted to do something romantic for our 1 year anniversary. And yes, it’s weird being a high school senior and not know anything about sex right? I had friends in school but we never talked about sex. And my bff was the closest person in my life and we were both virgins that wanted to wait for the ring! Now, I’ve had many many guys come up to me and say that I’m so fine and ask when imma let them hit it, along with all the other terms for having sex, but I always smiled and said NEVER! They knew not to ask me out because I said no to everybody too. That’s just how things went for me. Sorry I didn’t have bad influences in my circle lol. Although this one guy in language arts class pointed for me to look underneath the table so I did. He flashed me his big?. I almost fell out of my seat. How did I know it was so big since I was innocent? (No, I never watched flix in hs either obviously!) But I knew because it looked like it could be the 5th leg of his chair! My ohh my, what a sight that I will never forget.

Sunday, I’ll share what happened next, how we got over this, and how I ran away/got kicked out to be with my first love and how my stake out was discovered, etc. There were even wedding bells in the picture too–well somewhat. Stick around for the next post before you go around painting the city with lies because it’s not quite what you think. ??

Merci mon amour for sharing in my love journey! I ❤ you for reading. To all my survivors out there: KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment below of your first love experience.

Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.

 

— Ketsia

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