Her Truths To Tell Chap 5D: Mon Premier Amour–No, I Did Not Abort

Dear My Cherished Companion,

Let’s just pick up where we left off on the phone…”HELLO?! So what did she say? Out with it already” I said with little patience! “My parents decided to move me permanently to South Carolina.” he managed to get out. “WAIT…ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?” I asked with tears in my eyes. “Yes, I am baby. I’m so sorry! I don’t know how this happened.” he said with much regret. My heart dropped so far down, my ankles were heavy. I felt hollow. I started hyperventilating. OMG I was having a panic attack in the middle of the damn airport. My bff was trying to calm me down but I wasn’t hearing her. I honestly felt like I was dying!

“But why” I repeated over and over on the phone. “Why SOS? WHY?” “My parents say that I’m not ready to be a man yet. They think I’m too weak & I don’t have a backbone. My dad wants me to man up. He says I’m your YES man. But isn’t a man supposed to find the woman he loves, make her happy & take care of her? Marry her? That’s what I’m trying to do! But they feel like I’m too in love with you and that I’m not quite ready for that kind of commitment.” he said as he finally took one deep breath. “But honey, who gives a BEEP about how they feel?? What about how we feel? You make me the happiest woman alive. Isn’t that all that matters?” I asked as my emotions shifted from sadness to anger.

“It is!! I just don’t know why they can’t let us be happy baby girl. I just don’t know why” he said as he became overwhelmed with emotions. (I didn’t want to admit this, but it was at this point that I thought that maybe–just maybe–his parents could be right. Because the kind of man that I needed him to be was the kind who would stand up to this obstruction of love–not stand down. Maybe he was too weak.) He was 19 or 20 yrs old at the time. He could have put his foot down and caught the bus or flew back down to Florida, but he never did that. He didn’t fight for US. Instead, he just stayed.

Have you ever had something so beautiful, so rare, so tangible capture your heart for two years, then have it RIPPED OUT with just one call? Well that’s exactly what I was feeling as I received news coming from the other side of the receiver. We were weeping together. But guess what? I had a plane to catch, and as much as I wanted to, my bff wouldn’t let me wallow. So she slapped me & told me to pull myself together! I was blowed that she slapped me like right in my pretty face but she was right! I sucked it up and got my azzzzz on that plane. I had to mentally prepare myself for training and that’s where my focus needed to be.

I felt ineffable pain that still haunts me till this day re-living it. I guess while I was in basic military training, he was in “how-to-be-a-man” training. And although he was only a couple hours away from my post, we lost contact. His father basically put him on lock down and tried to purge him of me, of our true love. Who knows? Maybe his father might have even threw some new “good-good” his way just to make him forget about me. (And even if he had tried, none could compare to mine, so I was the least worried.) Alright, alright, you may think that’s a little farfetched but consider the way they just manipulated us and tore us apart. Who knows what else they were capable of doing?

He couldn’t come see me. He couldn’t take my calls, nor write me back. Luckily, he happened to check the mail first one day where he was able to receive that little ARMY Bible I sent him that you seen in the last blog post ❤. I wanted to hear his voice so bad that sometimes I even took a chance and used my one phone call on him. I NEEDED TO HEAR FROM HIM. HE WAS THE ONLY FAMILY I HAD LEFT. I couldn’t call my immediate family because they were mad at me for leaving to go visit my SOS’s family for a week. I assume that that was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

I left VMs for my boo. His dad deleted them and ripped up the love letters I mailed. Frustration had the better part of me. At night, I couldn’t slumber. I just stayed awake asking myself what the hell did I ever do to his parents except love their son? Why did they hate me so bad? They felt like I was too good to be true & that I was a hindrance to his manhood.
They told him I was too beautiful and that I probably had other guys. That I was so damn smart–going places & doing things with my life. “We can see what she’s doing. How she’s setting herself up for a decent future. But what about you? What are you doing with yourself son?” I remember them asking my SOS in a private conversation that I was overhearing. Yes, as I admitted before: He was out of my league. But the love between us was REAL. But who cares? Him, his parents, none of that was my problem anymore because I dumped him AGAIN! Like Toni Braxton said, “He wasn’t man enough for me”.

Listen, if I fed you all this fluff and didn’t admit that there were problems within this fairy tale–I’d be worst than a liar. Yes, my SOS had some serious manning up to do but I had flaws too! I just didn’t go around parading them. I cared too much about my image and how others perceived me. I had great underlying problems that I’ve shared with you before. I had anger issues. I was manipulative. I was an entitled brat. I was verbally abusive and demeaning. I was an extremist & I lived life on the edge. But probably, one of my worst traits was that I was very vindictive and revengeful.

I recall an incident were he didn’t do what I wanted, so I got back at him. I let this FINE light-skinned dude (who also cared about me deeply) drive his car. Everybody knows you don’t let another man drive your current man’s car. Well, I did! And I let him think I cheated on him with that Michael Ealy looking n*****h lol just to hurt him. Yes, I was spiteful but I never really cheated on him. You hear that SOS? As a matter-of-fact, I cheated on my next BF (who was also fine) once–when SOS was in town visiting from South Carolina. And before you start thinking I was a little ho’, me and my second bf weren’t having sex–nor did we ever. So I jumped my SOS bones, the moment he came to town ?.

Actually, I want to take a second to address something that’s been eating me up on the inside. I’ve been walking, more like pacing, back and forth trying to decide if & how I should do this…I want to be completely honest so I have to do this. SOS: I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you. But there is one more thing I have to be honest about. I was never pregnant with our baby. I lied when I told you I had an abortion. I was trying to hurt you back & I’m extremely sorry because I know this tormented you for years! You’re right, I was a mean person, who has now changed. Truth is: I’ve never had an abortion PERIOD. I don’t believe in abortions. I’ve NEVER even been pregnant before ??.

(To all the haters out there–because I know not everyone who reads my blog is truly for me–YES, I LOVE SEXUAL INTIMACY & yes, I’ve had lots of sex in the past. I’ve been in 2, 3, & even 4 year monogamous relationships, what’d you expect? I’ve even been celibate twice with each time lasting 2 years [we’ll talk about this is the future]. NO, I’ve never been pregnant before! It’s called the ‘withdraw method’ & prayers for lots of grace & mercy for an undeserving woman like me!! Thank you God for covering me even when I failed you. Just wanted to clear this up!) But PLEASE DON’T HATE ME SOS! I seek your forgiveness PLEASE!

I shared my truth. I had a lot of growing up to do. But so did my SOS. I won’t go into details about him because this journey is MINE–NOT HIS….See, our relationship wasn’t perfect. But we were imperfectly perfect for each other because we accepted each other’s flaws & all. We made each other better! We had a good thing going that could have blossomed into something eternal, something forever. But unfortunately, time and distance weren’t on our side so what WE had dried up like a raisin.

Four years later, I reached back out to SOS. I realized that I missed him immensely. No one could fill the void in my heart that he left behind. And although he was STILL living in South Carolina, I was willing to make it work–maybe even move up there–to be with him. But he didn’t want to take me back because of all the hurt I caused. He really thought that I had cheated, had an abortion and didn’t want to give US one last chance. What was he thinking? I mean seriously? Who turns me down? NOBODY!! Maybe I just missed having a guy worship the very ground that I walked on like he did. But please believe that he regrets that decision everyday.

So fast forward untill now, the infinity we have for each other will always remain but will never be acted on. That time has long passed. He’s married with children and even if they were to ever separate–that’s baggage that I wouldn’t even consider. (Sorry, it’s the truth.) Is he happy? Is he happily married? I plead the fifth on that! Once again, that’s really not my truth to tell, but I’m sure you’re smart enough to read between the lines.

But how does the downfall of this relationship affect me now? Many, many years, I tried to compare the love we shared to my future relationships. Ohh, this can’t be right because I don’t feel the butterflies or I don’t feel the same chills when new dude touches me. I felt like anything less was settling and I was never one to settle. He’s probably the reason why I’m 29+1, never been married, no kids. Because I’m waiting on someone better than him to come sweep me off my feet. I’ve been in love a time or two since SOS, but none have been as deep and sensational as the ❤ he and I once shared. That’s my truth. There I said it ?.

I want to leave you with something me and my SOS used to always say ALL DAY EVERYDAY. I Love You. I Love You. With All My Heart AND All My Soul. ALWAYS & FOREVER…Merci encore mon coeur for sharing in my love journey! I pray that you find the love of your life & hold on to it!! I ❤ you for reading. To all my survivors out there: KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment below of your first love experience.

Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.

— Ketsia

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