Updated on October 1, 2017
Do you remember the scene in movies where the little girl is running further in the woods with the black and white filter? She’s running and they show a shot of her looking back at the camera traumatized. That’s exactly how I feel right now! I guess I’ve been running from these painful memories for so long that, in my eyes, I’m still that little girl. My heart is racing as I write this because I feel a lot of emotions right now. I feel scared. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel mad. I feel a lot of things as I re-live the terrible things that happened this innocent little girl. But deep breath. I close my eyes and remind myself that its over. I’d be lying if I said I don’t hurt a little, but I survived it and now, I have permission to share it with you.
So, like I mentioned before, I was a tomboy. I remember being 6 or 7, playing with these twin boys that were my neighbors. They were years my senior, but I don’t recall exactly by how many years. Anyhow, everything about the day was normal. Well, it started that way at least. We were playing “tag, touch the shed, you’re it” kinda stuff. You know those “creative games” when you ain’t have money for toys lol. Except this time they said I was it so I had to go in the old white shed. “Why?” I asked. “Because you do” they said. Then they started calling me chicken ?, making those clucking noises so I peeked in. All I remember seeing is a dirty old mattress.
I looked back and said “Uh-uh, I’m not going in there!”. But the boys shoved me in there and started pulling at my clothes. I was kicking & screaming, so one of them put his hand over my mouth and told his evil twin that they had to keep me quiet. (Thinking to myself in retrospect: Why the hell didn’t I bite his freaking finger off)! One of them pulled his pants down and started groping me with his private exposed while the other one was trying to tear my bottoms off. At this point, I’m crying, still fighting, but losing momentum. It’s two of them against uno of me. This one is touching “her”, that one is covering my mouth and I’m just trying to escape.
Things that were running through my mind at the moment: Why didn’t they just beat me up? Why couldn’t this at least be one-on-one. I would have a better chance fighting back. Why don’t I just lay here and let them do whatever they want to me? Nobody cares for me? Nobody’s looking for me? As I laid there feeling despaired, my thoughts were proven to be wrong. I know they say Jesus is the sweetest name; but when I heard a male voice calling my name from outside that shed, nothing could sound more sweet! “I’m over here. Help me! PLEASE!!!!!!” I was tired, but at that moment, I regained strength cause I started swinging and kicking harder than before. I heard my name again, but this time closer to the shed. Then the rusted shed door squeaked opened and I saw light again!!! It was my brother ???!!! (For the sake of anonymity, I will refrain from saying which one). He threw them off of me and grabbed me. He was in shock and I was in shock. But I felt so happy and lucky to have someone care so much for me. I went many, many years forward, without feeling cared for like that.
Let’s rest here for a second. You’re probably wondering: What happened? Did he do it? Did they do it? Was she raped? Gang raped? First train at 7 years old? That’s probably why she’s such a freak now. How far exactly did they go?? Truth is, I really don’t know! Things were happening so quickly. It was two of them. I was fighting. I know I felt his peewee touch my flower but that’s really it. That’s all I can remember. Then again, I was so naive. I lost my virginity senior year and didn’t even know I lost it! Another post for another time. (Maybe.) Let’s continue.
I don’t know how long I was in there for but TO ME, IT FELT LIKE HOURS. I don’t recall what I was wearing that day but I remember my brother fixing my stretched and torn clothes. Then he dusted all the dirt off of me. He brought me inside our neighbor’s house then he went back outside angrily. God knows my heart, I don’t know what he did after that. I don’t know what happened after that. I feel like I blacked out or spaced out. I REALLY DON’T KNOW!! I was exhausted and woke up sore the next day. I never went over there again! My mom would ask me if I wanted to walk over with her and my answer was always NO! I never told my parents. Not because I don’t think they wouldn’t believe me, but because I didn’t want to make them sad. I wanted to be tough. This decision definitely started a revolution against my submission to men, including my father.
I never really talked about this with my brother after it happened either. I felt ashamed. I felt weak and I felt like this was somehow my fault too. Maybe, I made myself a target or victim? But for the sake of my readers, I will have this conversation with my brother and do a follow up post. This conversation is long over due. Who knows, I might talk to the “twins” too. I’m sure I can find them on Facebook cause an apology is owed and I’m ready to collect ✋. I’m just saying.
But fast forward many many years later, I see one of the twins at my mother’s funeral last year. Jesus Christ of Nazareth, son of Mary & Joseph! Many unresolved feelings resurfaced. I wanted to put him in one of those Army choke holds & squeeze TIGHT! My emotions were running so high because my mother is dead and we just buried her and this beep beep beep of a beep beepty beep from a freaking beep of a beep had the audacity to come into MY PERSONAL SPACE and offer his condolences. Is this some kind of joke? I had to gather myself and I had to do it quickly! But that’s when I asked God to help me because I was not going to allow something that happened over 20 years ago to bring hatred back into my heart. I survived this. I’ve grown since then. Now it’s time to show that.
The old me would have struck him and called him a rapist! But my mother’s repass wasn’t the place and I wasn’t that person anymore. I accepted his condolences & walked away. In that order! I can’t lie, the fact that he was ugly, made me feel better too ??. (Sorry I was having a moment. All of God’s children are beautiful ??.)
But on the real though, sexual assault is SERIOUS. Attempted-Rape & Rape DO NOT just violate the victim at that moment. It violates their trust in others for a long time. I’ve spoken to other victims and I couldn’t begin to tell you how much damage is done. It hurts our self-worth. And how we view our importance. God healed me from those wounds (Psalm 34:18). He restored me and made me whole, but trust that it took many years to overcome this. A lot of So parents, siblings, friends: please be conscientious of where your children and young family members are. Although this will not completely prevent occurrences like this from happening, it will however decrease them. If you or a loved one are suffering from sexual assault I’m here for you. Please contact me via the comments section below or my Facebook page “Her Truths To Tell”. Also, you may call the National Sexual Assault Hotline @ 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit their website at www.RAINN.ORG for 24 hour assistance. You can also chat online with them! I ❤ you so much for reading. To all my survivors out there, KEEP ON SURVIVING! PLEASE don’t forget to like, share & leave a comment ❤.
Remember, while we still have life; let us not merely exist–but instead, L.I.V.E.